This morning there is the darkness and feelings of not being enough.
Fortunately I realize it is about sharing this with others and in general not trusting that I will be accepted for my true self.
Perhaps blogs, like diaries, need to be kept private. Once we are self-conscious and know the Other might read and criticize — or worse, ignore — who we are through our writing, then the jig’s up.
Trust is always what I need and what I often lack. And then I think of the mustard seed, as in faith as tiny as a mustard seed and all will be fine. What is the difference?
|1.||reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.|
|2.||confident expectation of something; hope.|
|1.||confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability.|
|2.||belief that is not based on proof:.|
I lose hope and any confidence that I am ok when I don’t have trust or faith. These definitions are careful to say “person or thing,” rather than… Hmm, ok, it could still mean I lose hope and confidence in myself. You can have hope and confidence in the world at large and still not trust that you have a place there.
Like the old ideas of universe and God as machine, I harbor that idea that as the parts were churned out on the conveyor belt, I was one of the malformed ones to be thrown away.
If I take out the possibility of someone else reading this and talk just to myself, then I can see how sad and ridiculous this image is for me. I don’t believe in an assembly line of human beings. I don’t believe that any person is unworthy or without purpose or contribution in the world.
So for today, this gray autumn Monday with most of the leaves on the ground and friends distant or unavailable, I remember trust. Trust that each child born into this world brings meaning and hope just by her birth. Trust that each person is worthy. Trust that living each day is sufficient to that day.
I am always thankful at the end of writing, that the darkness of the soul finds a tiny source of light and it expands through self-expression and grace.